Forgive yourself: letting it go
Are you holding onto right now that no longer serves you?
It might sound like a silly question at first…”Why would I hold onto something that doesn’t serve me? Wouldn’t I realize it?”
But no matter how it sounds, we do this all the time!
Holding on
Holding on to something is a behavior as common as breathing. We tend to cling to the people we love and who play an important role in our lives. We also hold on to our most valuable possessions. To the painful memories of the past. To our social roles or to certain characteristics that we believe define us. Negative thought patterns that we have developed over time. Unrealistic hopes and expectations. Bad habits and negative emotions that make us suffer unnecessarily.
However, this excessive attachment is the origin of suffering, according to Buddhist philosophy. “Most of our problems are due to our passionate desire and attachment to things that we misinterpret as enduring entities,” said the Dalai Lama.
Understanding why we hold on and learning to let it go is essential to achieve mental balance, clarity and happiness.
Why do we cliNg on to something or someone?
When we hold onto something, we blindly believe that that bond will provide us with three things that we all long for;
Security
Happiness
Meaning
Holding on too much?
When we cling to something or someone, our world becomes smaller and in many cases it begins to revolve around what we want to keep. The fear of losing what we have worked so hard to achieve leads us to spend a great amount of time and energy to retain, often falling into controlling and obsessive behaviors.
Art of letting go
Make the decision
The hardest thing about letting go is making the decision and feeling okay about it. The ‘what-if’s’ will kill you and talk you into tightening your grip every time. That doesn’t mean they’re right.
Do I feel bad more than I feel good? If yes, it’s time to let go.
What has to change for me to feel happy and secure? Have I ever seen this before?
Is this person, job, relationship is capable of giving me what I need?
Change “can’t” to “won’t”
There’s a difference between giving up and knowing when to let go. Giving up is ‘I can’t’. Letting go is, ‘I won’t.’ The difference is subtle in sound but enormous in impact. Giving up comes from a place of defeat. ‘I don’t have the capacity or the ability to do this. I’m spent.’ Letting go, on the other hand, comes from a position of strength. It’s a decision to cut yourself from the things that weigh you down. Fight for them, and fight hard, but know when to stop.
You’re not doing something wrong, you’re doing something brave
If you’re questioning whether or not to let go of something that’s been there a while, it might feel risky and it might feel wrong. It might even feel selfish. But it’s not any of those things. It’s brave. Really brave.
If you’re at the point where you’re hanging on to something that doesn’t feel right any more, or that’s hurting you, one of the bravest and strongest things you can do is to listen to that, especially in the face of the clamour that keeps giving you reasons to hang on tighter. There’ll probably be a few of those reasons, but that doesn’t make them good ones. It probably makes them habits – and you don’t want to ruin yourself over a habit.
Trust that you’ll be okay. Because you will be
We’re wired for survival, both emotional and physical. When we hang on so tightly to something the energy we could be using to move forward is stuck with the job of hanging on. Once you let go, that energy that was holding you back will start to move you forward. It might not feel like that for a while – letting go can be hard – but trust the process and remember the reasons you made the decision.
Feel it fully
You’re going to feel sad, angry, maybe confused or scared. Whatever it is that’s in you, has to come out of you. Feel what you’re feeling fully. Put it on paper. Have a cry in the shower. Turn up the music and let it out. Do what you need to do to release the energy. Then you can move forward.
What can you learn?
About yourself, your expectations, the people who are good for you and the ones who don’t work so well. No experience is ever wasted. Learning from your experience is the best way to make sure you don’t repeat the same mistakes, find yourself in the same type of relationships or around the same sort of people. With the learning will come closure and movement forwards.
Final thoughts
We’re all here to grow and flourish and we all deserve to be happy. Having to let go of things that were once important is part of life – a painful part, but normal nonetheless. None of us stay the same. We grow constantly. That doesn’t mean that everything in our lives will grow in the same direction or at the same rate.
Letting go is one of the hardest, but one of the bravest things we can do. With everything we leave behind, there is so much more waiting ahead. Be able to be ready with open arms when it comes.