Tale of two arrows
Pain is temporary, suffering is optional.
It’s a popular quote but when applied, it becomes beautifully powerful. This can be found by the teachings of Buddha of the two arrows and why it is important to be nicer to yourself.
Life can often feel like it there is one thing after another. And inevitably, when things do happen – a break up, the landlord evicts you, the debt, the depressive episode, the craving, the loneliness. The event or situation in life that’s making you feel bad: that’s the first arrow. This is the triggering event – the reason why you feel bad, not ok, unsettled or upset.
As humans, we have a tendency to very quickly hunt for reasons as to why things occurred – and more often than not, we tend to turn blame on ourselves. There’s something wrong with me, there’s something defective, I’m unlovable, not good enough, I’m falling short, I have failed somehow. And this – this self-blame, this turning inwards against oneself – this is the second arrow.
The teaching
The Buddha once asked a student, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?”
The student replied , “It is.” The Buddha then asked, “If the person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?”
The student replied again, “It is.”
The Buddha then explained, “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. And with this second arrow comes the possibility of choice.
While we can’t control our outside environment, we can, with practice, change this pattern of shooting a second arrow after the first. There are two very effective exercises which you can practice in order to circumvent this all-too-human response to life – firstly, noticing the pattern of the second arrow; secondly, practicing kindness to yourself when you see it.
Notice the second arrow
Imagine:
You missed the bus and start to give out to yourself for leaving late, just remind yourself – that’s the second arrow. Missing the bus is annoying enough, without blaming yourself for it, and creating more undue upset and distress.
Practice noticing this pattern with small things, it becomes easier when big things hit, when you suffer a more serious setback. When self-blame and turning anger or frustration inwards strikes, try and remember that this is the second arrow – this part of the suffering, anxiety or stress is something you can have control over.
Be kiNd to yourself
Being sounder to yourself, in the way that you would be to a friend or loved one, is HARD. A useful way of doing trying to bring a bit more kindness to your own situation is to ask yourself: what would I say to my girlfriend/boyfriend/parents/siblings/best friend if they rang me and told me that this happened to them?
More often than not, noticing this pattern and bringing more kindness to yourself can really help. It helps reframe what is happening. It reminds us that those situations are not about me or my failures. And most importantly, it reminds me that these thoughts are so common, that everyone has them, and that it is a normal and everyday part of being human.