Toxic positivity: Helpful or harmful?
67% of individuals have experienced this talk.
When we’re sad or disappointed, our first instinct is to make the distressing feeling stop. We may not be interested in understanding why we feel this way, or how to adjust the decisions we’re making to create a stable mood moving forward. It’s human to simply want to feel better, right now.
The unfortunate reality is that telling yourself to “cheer up” doesn’t help your overall mood. Pushing negative thoughts deeper within yourself and trying to force yourself to feel a way you just don’t feel, can make you feel worse. You may notice that you aren’t the only one trying to jump to feeling better – people often, with best intentions, give advice that can feel toxically positive instead of beneficial! - “It could be worse” or “everything happens for a reason, it is what it is.”
What is toxic positivity?
The term 'toxic positivity' refers to the concept that focusing on so-called positive emotions and rejecting anything that may trigger negative emotions is the right way to live life.
It is often used to describe this kind of response – a sort of unintentional gaslighting - which, whether the individual realises it or not, ends up stopping someone short of expressing how they truly feel.
Is it all that bad when Expressing good?
I want to be clear in saying that fostering a positive mindset can undoubtedly be a powerful coping mechanism for many – however 'toxic positivity' is different in the sense that it suggests that thinking optimistically is the best or only way to get through difficult experiences. More than this, it tends to invalidate the experiences of negative emotions (even though these are a valuable and inevitable parts of life).
What could we do In dealing with toxic positivity?
Acknowledge your wins and hardships. Acknowledge how you feel, and feel all your emotions, good or bad. Sit with them. Avoiding how you feel will only prolong the discomfort.
Empathising. When someone comes to us with their experience of distress and shares big and painful stories with us – it can be a really uncomfortable space to be in. Truly sitting and empathising with another person, also means feeling some of their distress yourself. However, often times this is the most helpful thing that can be done. Rather than attempting to shuffle that person along to a 'positive' space (that perhaps seems more comfortable in the moment), stay with them in their story.
Remind yourself that we can’t compare miseries. We all experience difficulties, and someone will always have it “worse;” but pain is relative, what you’re feeling is valid, and it’s important to recognize and feel the depths of our feelings, even if we don’t understand why we feel them so deeply.
Remember, it’s ok not to be OK. If you’re overwhelmed and exhausted, give yourself permission to rest or do something imperfectly, free of guilt
The wrap up
Positivity isn’t bad.
It is only harmful if it is disingenuously encouraged and when it dismisses other emotions. Thinking positively and encouraging positive vibes has its time and place; however, perhaps we should consider modifying the mantra “good vibes only” to “any vibe accepted” when listening to others and considering our own emotions.
So before uttering another hakuna matata, consider the consequences and apply compassion and empathy instead.
It can be life altering.